Keyword: Worthy
by Shinigami's Voice
Summary: “Kanda knows he is falling, he is about to plummet down and no gates are open and no hands are waiting to catch him”. Focus in Kanda, Lavi and Allen. Lately in the manga, Kanda's walls seem about to break down. Lavi and Allen wish they could save him.


"**Worthy" (Short Fiction Moments III )**

_As a sequel to "Calling" (Short Fiction Moments II)_

Focus on: Lavi. Allen Walker. Kanda Yuu (My mind refuses to bring them apart, it seems)

Warnings: General manga knowledge.

Summary_: "Kanda knows he is falling, he is about to plummet down and no gates are open and no hands are waiting to catch him". _

**Keyword: "Worthy";  
**...

Kanda scowls darkly at the old piano, hating it with almost as much passion as he hates himself for daring to touch the keys.

He should not be doing this. He is well past this stage. Because he is no longer attached to anything or anyone. He is above the feelings of doubt and mercy.

'_I am well aware of how things should be done. I am above the weaknesses of life'._

Kanda is also very much aware what an expert pretender he himself has turned out to be.

It is rather ironic, because Kanda detests how other people lie through their teeth. He cannot stand to watch those fake smiles and twinkle of the eyes. He cannot stand those blatant lies.

Maybe that is the reason why he has avoided mirrors lately. And why he was trying to avoid the piano room too, until this night.

Kanda's scowl turns even fiercer.

'_This is not the time. It will never be time for this'. _

The Japanese exorcists gives the instrument one last recalcitrant look, and then steps back, making his way through the threshold of the door and into the dark hallways.

His steps are quick but controlled, resembling a coiled spring waiting for the motion release. His stance is –as always- severe and at the ready, trained and prepared to go into battle.

'_Less than two hours now. Then we depart'. _

Kanda walks towards the north halls, as his mind starts shaping itself into battle mode.

After all, he is about to be deployed to a large-scale mission. And he is being sent along with four other exorcists.

The team is to knowingly walk into a Noah set-up, and from that point on, Kanda knows what is expected out of him.

'_Create the opening for the Innocence retrieval'. _

'_Fight the Noah'._

'_Scare the rest of the team away'._

' _Kill the Noah'. _

'_Come back to life'. _

Kanda's right hand tightens around Mugen in response to his thoughts, while his left hand clenches and unclenches.

The white stripe of cloth wrapped around the palm of his left hand becomes stained with blood, and Kanda stops in his tracks.

The wound of the last encounter with the Akuma has not healed yet. And three days have passed…

The teen's dark eyes travel down to stare at his own bandaged palm, and something terribly soft and warm floods his chest.

A feeling so similar to the piano melody. An echo of loss and sorrow. A touch of human nature.

'_I won't lose to these feelings!'_

Kanda's hand becomes a fist, blunt nails biting at the reddish fabric and the damaged flesh underneath.

'_I don't have the right or the luxury! '_

Kanda cares very little about the stinging sensation of the open wound. The Japanese exorcist knows better than to care about his façade of a life.

For Kanda, survival is a meaningless thing when dying is not a rare occurrence. It is the success of the mission what should worry him.

The defeat of these demons and the salvation of people are absolutely much more important than preserving a mock-human life.

Kanda's expression is blank but firm with the certainty of this fact. It is not as if he wants to be saved…

It is not as if….as if he wants to reach out…

………

The sudden sound of a step shocks Kanda out of his train of thoughts, and the dark-haired teen whirls towards his right, stern expression turning sour.

"The hell are you doing here, rabbit?"

Lavi regards Kanda with his characteristic carefree smile and the usual naughty twinkle in his green eye.

"Ne, Yuu-chan, no need to be so mean! I was just walking by!"

Kanda's eyes turn into slits.

"You were just standing there" –he grounds out the words, and Kanda's mind suddenly takes into account their closeness to the piano room, Lavi's too normal smile, and the way Lavi's eye won't focus on Kanda's bleeding left hand.

'_You were listening!' _

"Ehh? Aren't we allowed to take strolls anymore? Here I was, just walking around and trying to escape from the Old Panda! Geez! Ya know, Yuu-chan, ya should loosen up a bit. All work and no fun will turn Yuu into a dul-"

Lavi jokes in his best trademark style, but Kanda barely pays attention to the words said.

Kanda is busy hating the lies being constructed. Kanda is busy hating himself for the scandalous and unthinkable feeling of betrayal that has assaulted his traitorous mind.

'_You are not going to ask. You know something is wrong, but you are not going to ask'. _

'_You won't take the risk. It is not worthy….'_

The long-haired exorcist spits an insult towards the taller exorcist, and moves to leave. Kanda needs to put this night behind, he needs to bury this night and these feelings six feet under again.

Besides, he doesn't want Lavi to see just how angry –and how murderous -and how worthless he is feeling.

"Yuu, wait"

Kanda doesn't stop walking.

"Yuu"

Lavi follows him.

"Yuu, wait, Yuu-"

Kanda snarls back.

"Go away, damn it. You're a pest"

Lavi's voice is, fraction by fraction, losing its perky tone.

"Just a moment, Yuu, wait-"

Kanda heads into the adjacent hall, not slowing down.

He is not in the mood to wait. He is not in the mood to talk. He is not in the mood to-

'_S-Save me'._

Kanda drowns a river of curse words in his throat, furious and livid. He wonders why this night he cannot control his thoughts.

He wonders why the need to reach out is so strong and powerful, and why the white flowers at his feet seem so particularly real in these moments.

But the vision of the flowers fades the second another voice joins Lavi's call.

"Yuu-"

"Kanda. Stop, Kanda"

The frown marring the Japanese's features only intensifies at the sight of Walker standing right at the entrance of the nearby hall.

"And what are you doing here?!"

Allen just looks at him, and stands his ground. Very much like Lavi is now four steps behind, silent but observant.

Finding himself between the other two exorcists, Kanda's voice echoes in restrained anger at the impromptu dead end situation.

"What the hell is going on with you two?!"

It is outrageous and ridiculous and bizarre. And Kanda is having a hard time accepting that these two foolish people are looking at him with traces of real care in their other-times lying eyes.

Lavi steps up then, and brushes a delicate, respectful touch over Kanda's right shoulder.

Kanda growls at the gesture but instinctively takes one step back.

The Japanese teen knows well how to receive shows of violence and scientific interest. But he is still afraid of gestures charged with emotions. He fears something human can still overcome him.

"What's going on, Yuu?" –Lavi asks, trying hard to put aside his Bookman side and show sincerity.

The mere absurdity of the question makes Kanda go mute as he takes another half step back, but then he stops his movements at Allen's voice on the other side.

"Kanda? We…we couldn't help but notice that something is not-"

It is madness, Kanda decides, as his eyes acquire the dangerous glint of a sword's blade.

He glares at both the stupid - oh so stupid and oh so caring- exorcists, and puts all scorn and coldness possible in his words.

"Idiots! Who the fuck cares what you are talking about! Go the hell away. Like if I could stand the two of you!"

Lavi and Allen watch as the Japanese exorcist pushes past them, his actions harsh and his touch violent.

Kanda tries hard not to show just how much he is avoiding staring into the others' eyes, as he shoves past Allen and Lavi and into a different route, wandering farther into the halls.

'_What's wrong?! How can they ask that!'_

He understands what the others mean by their questions. He realizes he was not as alone as he thought while playing for himself in the piano room.

He also realizes he is craving for someone to actually call to him, come to him, reach out to him.

Because he knows he is falling, he is about to plummet down and no gates are open and no hands are waiting to catch him. His rude self has made sure of this.

But deep down, Kanda wants…he wants…

'_S-Save m-'_

Mugen hums in its sheath, and across the halls of the Black Order, a strong and hollow bell resonates.

It is the call for the Exorcists Team to depart towards their mission.

Kanda's feet change direction and he starts once again for the Main Gates.

'_Save m- NO. NO'. _

'_Not worthy enough. Not yet, at least'. _

When Kanda reaches the meeting point, Linali, Miranda, Lavi and Allen area already there.

Kanda assumes his utmost indifferent expression and he faces the clear blue of Allen's eyes and the intense green of Lavi's eye.

The Japanese teen steps almost falter at the blatant message of their glances.

'_Worthy'. _

'_Worth saving'. _

But none of them even utter a word concerning the events of the night.

They all know they must depart at the break of dawn, and the mission is top priority now.

Their demons and hopes will have to wait. Salvation for what's left of their souls is still far from reach.

_**Fin **_

_______

**Notes:** Song that initiated this bundle of stray thoughts: "Saving me" by Nickelback.


End file.
